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Out of the Boxx: Flights of Fancy

I decided I should share some things I've learned that will take you from an annoying flyer whom everyone secretly wants to jettison, to a fabulous flyer and pal to flight attendants everywhere.
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Drag queen, comedian, and reality TV personality

Drag queen, comedian, and reality TV personality
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It's been a while since my last blog entry, but as Blanche Devereaux says, "Better late than pregnant."

The trouble was, what do I write about? I've been really swamped with my "Cooter!" Not my actual cooter, since I don't have one, but my debut single. I've been out on my Cooter Tour. Yes, I did realize all the clever puns that go along with a song called "Cooter!" All this "Cooter!" promotion has had me on a lot of flights, sometimes flying across the country several times in one week. So I decided I should share some things I've learned that will take you from an annoying flyer whom everyone secretly wants to jettison, to a fabulous flyer and pal to flight attendants everywhere.

  • Do not pack a carry-on bag that you cannot, in fact, carry on. No one wants to watch a 90-pound woman try and lift a 100-pound carry-on bag and topple into a row of people like dominos. Pay the $25 and check your damn bag.

  • When the flight attendants are politely asking you to get out of the aisle once you find your row, do it! No one wants to be delayed by your slow ass trying to find things in your bag that you should have taken out before you got on the plane. Cop a squat, bitch.

  • When exiting the plane, let the people in front of you get out of their seats and go before you. That's just common courtesy, you rude turd. If you have a really close connecting flight, then say, "Excuse me, I have a really close connection." Most likely people will let you go.

  • Big ass men, please note where your seat is and where your elbows should go. They do not belong halfway across the seat next to you. As attractive as you may think you are, no one wants your hairy elbows in their ribcage through another showing of Jane Eyre. Also, close your damn legs. I don't care how big your balls are; you are taking up too much room.

  • Parents, please drug your overactive, hyperactive, no-mannered children. I'm not talking about pharmaceutical grade here. Just a little Benadryl or something. No one wants to hear your unruly child scream and yell or kick the seat repeatedly and jump up and down for six god damn hours. (Yes, Flight 963, Seats 22A, B, and C, I am specifically talking to you and your horrid parenting skills.)

  • The seatbelt sign is on. Come on, do I need to spell it out for you? Especially taxiing to the gate or trying to take off.

  • Turn your phone off! You are not that important.

  • There is almost always someone behind you. Watch that seat! Rattling around or throwing your seat back can knock someone's Bloody Mary in their lap. Just realize that there are other people who paid money to be on this flight, too.

  • Listen to the god damn announcements. Everything you need to know was told to you while you were on the phone talking about your husband's gout.

  • Flight attendants do not deserve your rudeness. They are there to provide safety for your ass and give you snacks as a side job. My wigs off to all the flight attendants who do a fabulous job!

    • Can you tell I have some pent-up frustrations about flying? I vented and now I feel better. Honestly, though, it's all about common sense. That goes with everything in life. Just realize that you are not the only person who matters in the world. If more people acted with a touch of common sense and humility, just think how much better the world would be to live in.

    P.S. Make sure to watch my "Cooter!" music video on YouTube! (Yes, a little shameless self-promotion.)

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