Evening. How d'ya sleep? Me either. For the last 16 hours I've been thinking about the last 24 years, and what England are about to achieve. It might take three balls; it might take three hours. Either way, fix yourself a big dumb grin and a big gin and cherish every second. In life, there are few things as beautiful as the window that exists when a deal has been sealed in nature but not name: nailing a job interview or an exam; the moments before a first kiss; and, yep, winning the Ashes in Australia for the first time since December 28 1986.
I thought Andy wasn't going to be in tonight. I was sad about this, as we've never experienced an Ashes win together. In 2005 we hadn't met and in 2009 I was in a field, slurring at his voicemail. But he's here! Bull has just walked in! I'm even happier now. However, because I thought he wasn't coming in I left the celebratory Lambrini champagne at home (I never like to be caught drinking alone at 4am by the Guardian cleaners). Bah! I did at least bring some celebratory G&T tinnies from M&S, to discreetly swig while the cleaners weren't looking, so we can share those.
While you wait, read this piece by Christian Ryan on Ricky Ponting's innings yesterday. It's exceptional.
All that really matters tonight is the retention of that urn, but there is the chase of another shuddering statgasm in this record-busting series. Australia's record Test defeat on home soil was by an innings and 230 runs. They currently trail by 246 runs.
A prediction for November 2014 Interviews with Mike Gatting, Phil DeFreitas and Gladstone Small will be down 99.94 per cent on November 2010.
"Not wanting to spray on anyone's cornflakes," begins Tim Leach, promisingly, "but don't we still need to win or draw in the next Test before we can be truly happy? I know, I know, we'll still retain the Ashes even if the series is level. But given how well we've played, won't you be disappointed if we let Australia have the consolation of drawing the series?" In truth, not really. Anyway, there's nothing to worry about: England usually win the dead rubbers in Australia.
Here come the players. I think so anyway. I'm in the middle of a mad panic because my computer keeps crashing. Even machines don't like a disturbance of the natural order.
67th over: Australia 169-6 (Haddin 11, Johnson 6) The ground is barely a quarter full – it's a Poms' party, basically – as Tim Bresnan prepares to bowl the opening over of the day. Technically England need four wickets, but in reality it's just three as the injured Ryan Harris will not bat. Bresnan's second ball is a beauty that comes back between Johnson's bat and pad and just misses off stump. His fourth ball brings a pretty big shout for LBW, but it pitched outside leg and might have been too high. "I hope the last wicket doesn't get decided on a review," says Emma John. "Remember the anticlimax at the oval in 05?" Will we not have a slight anti-climax anyway as everyone turns to the pavilion to see whether Ryan Harris is hobbling out armed with two crutches and a Duncan Fearnley?
WICKET! Australia 172-7 (Johnson b Tremlett 6) That's the first one. Tremlett gets Johnson with a very good delivery that comes back a fair way to take the inside edge before deflecting onto the body and back onto the stumps.
68th over: Australia 172-7 (Haddin 14, Siddle 0) Two more wickets. Talking of twos, it's interesting to note that England's wins in Ashes Tests over the last six years have come in distinct pairs: hideous nail-biters (or, if you prefer Ashley Giles' earthier description, arse-nippers) in 2005, fraught but ultimately comfortable in 2009, and absolute pastings in 2010-11. Before this series Australia had not lost by an innings on home soil for nearly 18 years. Now it has happened twice in two weeks. "'Send your banter to rob.smyth@theguardian.com'," quotes John McCaughey. "There's only one place to send banter..." Oh heavens. It's back!
69th over: Australia 174-7 (Haddin 15, Siddle 1) These last two wickets could come at any moment, and there were four near misses in that Bresnan over. Siddle would have been run out by a direct hit from Pietersen at point; then Haddin survived a gentle appeal for caught behind; then Siddle drove just past short extra cover; and finally Haddin was beaten. England's discipline with the ball has been so impressive in this series, and as a result Australia's scoring rate is their lowest in a home series since Steve Waugh's captaincy fast-forwarded Test-match batting. "Spare a thought," says T MacInnes, "and I mean this. The remaining Aussie batsmen have spent a night thinking about how precisely they might be bowled out and defeated today. They have zero chance of winning but they still have to play. That must be gutting. If I had to go into work knowing that there was no way I could finish my spreadsheet but I still had to do it, such professional pride as I have (0.00001 per cent) would be wounded, let me tell you."
70th over: Australia 178-7 (Haddin 15, Siddle 5) Siddle tickles Tremlett fine for four. Remember Carl Rackemann batting 17 hours before getting off the mark to save the Sydney Test of 1990-91? One of the thousands of moments of Ashes misery Down Under over the last 24 years. And soon they'll all be turned into memories that we can finally touch and embrace and laugh gaily about. As Walter Sobchak didn't quite say in The Big Lebowski, "you're exiting a world of pain, OBO fraternity".
Oh goodness, here's the hero of the mezzanine hours, Harry Jervis. "Jeez, the English are so pessimistic. Spraying on cornflakes, anticlimaxes... cheer up folks. This ain't gonna come around too often. Certainly for a cricket watcher reared in the 90's - you know when to appreciate the good times. The Barmy Army are something else ain't they? I don't what that else is, but it's something."
71st over: Australia 185-7 (Haddin 18, Siddle 5) Haddin drives Bresnan through the covers for three, and Siddle touches a reverse inswinger to fine leg for four more. Actually it was just off the pad. Australia have avoided a record home defeat. "My wife wants to watch the Sex And The City 2 DVD that she got for Christmas," says Ant Pease, "but I'm angling to watch the cricket based on telling her that our seven-week-old daughter finds the sound of Nasser Hussain relaxing. Who will win?" Nose fetishists?
72nd over: Australia 188-7 (Haddin 21, Siddle 5) Haddin laces three more through extra cover off Tremlett. "I am disconcertingly excited," says Richard O'Hagan. "The last time England won the Ashes in Australia I was sitting in a study bedroom in a North Midlands University Who Shall Remain Nameless following events over crackly long wave. I never thought it would take so long for this moment to come around again. And why can I not celebrate with a skiff of Copperhead and chips and curry from the chip van?"
73rd over: Australia 196-7 (Haddin 27, Siddle 6) Haddin is hitting it pretty sweetly, especially through the covers. He has been one of only three batsmen for Australia in this series. In that, as in so much else, the roles have reversed. But then that's no surprise: winning teams do certain things, and so do losing teams. "So," says Steve Churnin. "Tremlett or Finn next summer? Bressie Lad or Broad? Remember when Aus A could beat our first team? Our seconds might look like this, for the sake of argument: Carberry, Lyth, Hildreth, Gale, Morgan, Davies, Bressie Lad, Shahzad, Tremlett, Woakes, Panesar." I don't think we should talk of first XIs anymore, certainly not in terms of the bowling attack. Cricket is a squad game now. This is one area in which it can learn from football. In Manchester United's most important game of the last 10 years – the 2008 European Cup final – they picked a side that had never played together before, and have not played together since. Clearly Test cricket is not so extreme because there are around 15 games per year rather than 60, but I still think we should think in terms of the squad rather than the team. And. About. Time. Too.
74th over: Australia 202-7 (Haddin 34, Siddle 10) A couple of edges from Haddin off Tremlett, the first for four and the second a fraction short of Prior, diving to his right. "Make an Aussie happy, link to my Two Pricks," says Jarrod Kimber, exquisitely demonstrating the importance of the capital letter. "Also, tickets today are 26 and 31 bucks, but there's not enough staff to get people into the ground on time. And considering there won't be much play, that's largely [Brian Clough's favourite word]." Oh dear, that's a shocker.
75th over: Australia 210-7 (Haddin 33, Siddle 14) The runs continue to flow. Haddin clunks Bresnan over mid-off for three and then Siddle slices four behind point. "Help Rob and Andy, I think I am going mental," says Suzanne Hall. "A traditional family Christmas complete with low level hostility and subtle recriminations, too much celebratory whisky on the return to London and now the anticipation of retaining the Ashes... Isn't it brilliant? I have a pork pie and a bottle of Talisker to help me through. Do you think that's enough? I can't help think beta blocker would be useful." When I was a kid I thought beta blockers were used to stop computer viruses. Seriously. I wasn't in the top class.
76th over: Australia 214-7 (Haddin 37, Siddle 14) Jimmy Anderson replaces Chris Tremlett, and Brad Haddin drives superbly back over his head for four. "Have managed to make it back from family festivities for the denouement," says Phil Sawyer. "Apropos of nothing, I hadn't realised how disconcerting in-ear headphones were until I fell asleep listening to TMS on them the other night. Waking up and thinking Boycott was speaking directly into my brain nearly led to me dousing my parents' spare bed with Special Water."
77th over: Australia 218-7 (Haddin 37, Siddle 18) Graeme Swann comes on for Tim Bresnan. As Mike Atherton says on Sky, Swann gave a stunning display of drift bowling yesterday, culminating in the wicket of Michael Clarke when he switched to around the wicket. It was incredibly good in view of the fact that the ball was barely spinning. It's not spinning this morning either, and Siddle carts a short ball to third man for four.
78th over: Australia 220-7 (Haddin 39, Siddle 18) "You've got to stay up, I insist!" says Bumble. "No excuse, get the coffee on." Then he asks Mike Atherton whether he has a dog. He's on one now; this is great stuff. He's telling us how he keeps his Dad's Ashes on the mantelpiece alongside the Ashes of his two dead dogs. Now he's onto Michael Vaughan's check shirt. "Is it Brokeback Mountain...." Two from Haddin's over.
"Am I the only one left a little cold by this victory?" says Andrew Booth. "Probably, but I pine for the days spent praying for rain, wondering where Little Englander will pee next..." Pah and bah and wash your mouth out with gin. I know what you mean, but I like the fact that 2005 had an almost teenage melodrama, whereas this is nice and quiet and grown up. They complement each other nicely. And we're not getting any younger, you know. Not until there's a special offer on botox, anyway.
79th over: Australia 234-7 (Haddin 46, Siddle 25) Siddle swipes Swann over midwicket for four to bring up a proud and admirable fifty partnership, but he almost falls next ball. He felt outside off stump and got a thin edge that flew between Prior and the slip Collingwood, who just got a touch on it as he dived to his left. Haddin completes an expensive over with a gloriously pure straight drive for six. "Suzanne Hall, I think I love you," says John Starbuck. "Cricket, Talisker and pork pies! It would only work if the pie was a Pork Farms or otherwise Melton Mowbray, though. None of that rubbish you get down south, but I suppose you can't help living there."
80th over: Australia 235-7 (Haddin 47, Siddle 25) Haddin wears a very good short ball from Anderson on the right breast. The second new ball is due, but Swann might have another over I reckon. "WE CAN STILL WIN THIS!!!" says Henry Scowcroft. Yes, Henry is English.
81st over: Australia 237-7 (Haddin 48, Siddle 26) Swann beats Haddin with consecutive deliveries. The lack of spin has brought out all his variations of flight, pace, drift, line, gurn, and he has used them brilliantly. That's drinks. "Isn't John Starbuck's North/South divide patter a bit old hat?" says Mac Millings. "Hasn't he noticed that ALL English people are doubleyews?" Yes, Mac is English.
82nd over: Australia 239-7 (Haddin 49, Siddle 27) Remember Michael Slater scoring 947 on the first day of the 1994-95 series before being suckered by Gatting and Gooch? That's gone as well. Anderson continues with the old ball, which is reversing appreciably. He almost traps Siddle with an excellent full-length delivery that just takes the inside edge at the last minute. That was a masterful over. "Beginning to get just a tad impatient here!" says Nigel O'Neil. "Thank god The Goodies have finally secured a re-run on the Beeb!" My thoughts exactly.
83rd over: Australia 254-7 (Haddin 54, Siddle 38) Haddin edges Swann just under the crouching Collingwood at slip, and that takes him to another classy half-century. Siddle slog-sweeps the next ball over mid-on for six and carts the next for three. You have to admire this pair's defiance. It takes some stones to be up in front of a firing squad and loudly share observations about the snipers' mothers that even Goldie Lookin' Chain would baulk at. Fifteen from the over. Swann went for 23 from 22 overs yesterday; he's gone for 25 from four today, despite bowling almost as well. "Is it curmudgeonly that I'm getting really irritated by this partnership?" says Chris Langemead. "It's like it's still an 'arse nipper' and I can't help myself. I put it down to my 1990s cricketing upbringing... opposition tailenders taking games away from England was just de rigeur..." Professionally it's known as Astle/Morrison Syndrome. As soon as you mention it to the psychiatrist, the fee doubles.
84th over: Australia 257-7 (Haddin 55, Siddle 40) Bresnan is back on, so I presume the new ball is imminent. Siddle misses a violent swing outside off stump, the sort that Leatherface would have enjoyed, were he a cricket connoisseur rather than a clinical murderer of zesty teenagers.
WICKET! Australia 258-8 (Siddle c Pietersen b Swann 40) Swann has struck. Strauss kept him on and was rewarded when Siddle swiped the second ball high towards long on, where Pietersen took a well-judged catch just inside the rope. One more wicket.
85th over: Australia 258-8 (Haddin 55, Siddle 40) Graeme Swann has taken the last wicket in each of England's last three Ashes victories – at Lord's, The Oval and Adelaide. He has four balls at Haddin (the batsmen crossed), who defends comfortably. "I'm possibly the only Englishwoman hoping for a draw at Sydney, because I wrote in TWC that England would win the series 2-1," says Emma John. "I would like to point out that in the same issue far more illustrious names were mooting an Aussie hammering. I may get that page framed." I predicted Australia 3-1. But it's okay, I did it as a joke. Like Glenn McGrath and his 5-0. Oh yeah. A joke, not naked pessimism or inept judgement. A joke. A raised eyebrow. A wink and a nudge. A sideways bloody glance. That was my game.
WICKET! Australia 258 all out (Hilfenhaus c Prior b Bresnan 0). ENGLAND WIN BY AN INNINGS AND 157 RUNS. OR, TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, ENGLAND RETAIN THE ASHES! That's it! Hilfenhaus thin-edges Bresnan and Prior – whose keeping has been so good all series – takes an acrobatic catch to his left. The team charge straight into a big dumb sloppy group hug, jumping deliriously up and down on the spot. Matt Prior, having picked himself up from the floor after that catch, can't penetrate the huddle. He decides not to ruin the moment by punching someone smack in the face and instead just jumps up and down like a madman on the back of one of his teammates. You could watch scenes like this for the rest of your days. England have retained the Ashes, and they have done so with their biggest win over Australia since 1956!
There's much to do for the paper, and you'll be wanting a glass or two of Revelry Enhancer, so I'll not hang around. Congratulations to England. We all want to support a winning team, but so often winning teams aren't actually very likeable. That's the game. But this lot are. This is a team we can all be so proud of; a resourceful group of likeable, humble, good-humoured fellas who wring every last drop from their talent; and who have an equilibrium that allows them to meet with innings victories and thumping defeats and treat those two imposters just the same.
They also have a great backroom team, led by the incredibly impressive Andy Flower, and watching him hug Andrew Strauss a moment ago almost brought a tear to the eye. Two finer men you'll not meet. (I've not met either, admittedly, but you know what I mean.) Even that famous scrutiniser of modern masculinity, Tony Soprano, would look at both of them and say, Ah salute.
Ah salute, indeed, to Strauss and to Flower and to England and – what the hell – to everyone in the whole wide world. Thanks for all your emails throughout this series. They did it!