While most dads would rather watch a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants marathon than talk to their teenage daughters about sex and relationships, Dr. Kenneth Ryan, father of three girls, never runs away from the talk. As a relationship expert, Dr. Ryan seeks to help parents have normal, comfortable conversations about these important life topics. No one feels the pain of a bad boyfriend more than the dad so start talking before she has a boyfriend – before her mind turns to mush.
According to Dr. Ryan, one of the most common mistakes parents tend to make is lecturing instead of conversing. Since parents often feel strongly about the issues, we sometimes try to hammer home our point without really listening and understanding what our daughter is thinking. Ask open ended questions that begin with what,why and tell me.
Another common problem is awkward conversations. Nobody wants awkward conversations, but what can you do? Discussing touchy topics can be less threatening if you talk about a celebrity or a person you both know rather than yourselves. Honesty and humor are essential. Teens can smell BS from a mile away so give it to them straight. She wants and needs the truth. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. A light touch makes conversations more fun and encouraging. She must know, without a doubt, that you are on her side.
The third mistake dads make is assuming their daughters will not listen to them. Unless your relationship has gone seriously toxic, most children really do care what their parents think. However, sometimes it takes them a while to process challenging ideas. We don’t want our daughters to go out and make big mistakes because we didn’t have the courage to tell them the hard truths. Your own mistakes in life do not disqualify you from sharing your wisdom and insight.
To get the conversation started, share one of these concepts with your daughter and ask what she thinks of it. Does she agree or disagree? Why? What examples has she seen in people around her?
1. Lips are your secret weapon – Learning to converse easily with guys is one of the most important skills you can learn. Guys like being with girls who make conversation easy and interesting. Conversation is a skill you can learn just like playing the piano. If you practice, you can get good at it.
2. Fateful Attraction – Attraction cannot be forced or faked but it can be influenced. Physical attraction will fade if you do not have an attraction based on character and personality.
3. Dump the guy Humanely – Men want to know the truth so if it’s not going to work, tell him so he can deal with it and move on. He would rather know where he really stands than get dragged along. Sandwich the bad news between a couple of compliments. Be gentle but direct.
4. You can’t put a condom on your heart – Contrary to popular opinion, your heart is at just as much risk as your reproductive system. Since you can’t put a condom on your heart, safe sex is a myth. A girl’s heart is at much greater risk than the guy’s.
5. Sex is like Duct Tape – Sex is meant to help one couple bond together permanently for life. Each time it is used outside of marriage, it loses some of its stickiness.
6. Guys say “love” to get sex. Girls give sex to get love. Sorry girls, sex won’t buy you genuine love. It is very easy for men to have sex without love or commitment but women violate their own inner voice of sanity and femininity when they have sex without commitment. His self esteem may go up but yours will go down. Perhaps it’s not fair but that’s how it is.
7. Sex causes blindness – Sex helps married people overlook each other’s faults. Unfortunately, it has the same effect on single people, often causing them overlook critical flaws and make a poor choice of who they marry. Does he truly love you or does he love having sex with you? That’s the million dollar question and sex can give both of you fuzzy vision and confusion. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward” – Ben Franklin.
8. Intended for pleasure – Sex is part of the superglue of marriage. Surfaces must be clean and dry for good adhesion. Marriage is tough and you need as much going in your favor as possible. If you ruin the magic of sex by treating it like a meaningless toy, you are heading into marriage with one strike against you. Sex is a big deal in marriage and you need the magic.
9. Never buy a swimsuit at a Hardware store – Your shopping instinct easily steers you away from the hardware store when you need a new suit but your man instinct is letting you down if it takes you to bars and clubs with the hope of finding good husband prospects. It’s a needle in a haystack if you are hoping for a quality hubby. Flashy moves and smooth talk won’t mean a thing when your kid is throwing up in the middle of the night.
10. Lifestyles of the Rich, famous and confused – Famous people are no smarter than you when in comes to relationships. In fact, they are more likely to have a warped perspective of reality. They are not necessarily a reliable role model and they won’t tell the interviewer the real problems in their life. Smiling celebrity photos today, divorce tomorrow.
So…Don’t run away from the conversation, get one started.
About Dr. Kenneth Ryan
Dr. Ryan is a relationship expert and author of Finding Your Prince in a Sea of Toads: How to Find a Quality Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded. He and his wife have counseled engaged couples about sex for over 10 years. (www.FindingYourPrince.com)
—Photo B.Riordan./Flickr
I’n not even going to comment on the misandry in this article. What I will say as a father of two adult daughter is – be an ever present, respectful and loving part of their lives. They will then look for those characteristics when choosing a partner. The minute details will work themselves out. Girls with great dads will select someone just like him. I would have been aghast to have to discuss such personal intimate details with my girls, and it would have been awkward to say the least. Lead by example.
‘…women violate their own inner voice of sanity and femininity when they have sex without commitment.’
Sorry, not true. I have built a great life for myself and have no need for a man to mes it up, but I still feel the animal need for sex. I have some pretty boys I use every now and then and it’s great fun. Times are changing and so perhaps your opinion of women should change with it.
WOW ! a girls heart is at much greater risk than a guys ? i have had my heart broken and it completely sucked ? it sucks for everyone . being a guy doesnt make it hurt any less . sex is used to make 1 couple bond together for life when it is used outside of marriage it loses its stickyness ?????? sex isnt something that should be used . it should be shared . and shared only with someone you want to share it with . sex gets its value from you , not from marriage .guys do… Read more »
I’m so relieved other people agree that this article is ideologically biased, and with that outdated and sexist. There should be a disclaimer that it’s been written by an abstinence until marriage drone so I didn’t have to waste my time getting to the idiocy.
I don’t care for the advice of this “relationship expert”, but I’d be much interested in learning more about the time machine he used to get here from the 1950’s.
I know this is Scandinavia and you guys are in the US and all, but really – my father would have considered this advice dated. To suggest I use it when talking to my daughter? Absurd.
“I don’t care for the advice of this “relationship expert”, but I’d be much interested in learning more about the time machine he used to get here from the 1950′s.”
LOVE IT!!!
This article reminds me a little bit of an article I read about what one should tell your son. http://postmasculine.com/what-i-would-teach-my-son
Fingers that belong to a brain that disagrees with Dr. Kenneth Ryan’s title as a “relationship expert” typed this.
I am really beyond appalled by some of the advice Dr Ryan puts forth. I was impressed with his insights as to how to talk to teenagers and introduce what are often difficult subjects to talk about, but as of #4, I started to wonder if he could possibly be serious. Seems like little more than an effort to indoctrinate young women and girls with the idea that their value is wholly tied up in their virginity, and that all sex outside of marriage is meaningless and worthless. These suggestions are archaic and dangerous, regardless of whether they’re shared with… Read more »
It was written as a dad talking to his daughter, maybe someone can do similar for a dad talking to his son. I have a son and daughter and I am a total sap when it comes to my daughter. She’s married but she will always be my little girl. Daughters are different from sons and the old saying, A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life holds true. I had a couple of issues with the article but I didn’t see it as dated.
Well now I’m interested…what were your issues with it?
2. Fateful Attraction – —- Men are visual and how the young lady presents herself is what a guy sees. She may be, in reality, as conservative as they come but if she walked into a bar with stacked heels, short skirt and low cut blows, she’s hooked him. Obviously in the long run, character and personality is what counts but that’s not what she presented as her true character. Girls/women know what men will look for/at. 6. Guys say “love” to get sex. ——Ever hear of “friends with benefits?” May used to be that way but now-a-days, sex is… Read more »
Okay so…what I’m getting from what you’re saying is that you’re coming at this from the perspective of critiquing his views on marriage, not just sex. Or at least that’s how I’m reading this. You’re saying his statements about how sex in marriages works is incorrect. Like…he’s perpetuating a lot of fairytale myths about what marriage is. Which is not something I had considered. But I think our critiques aren’t all that different, well the specifics are very different. Anyway, I think he’s perpetuating a lot of fairytale myths about sex and gender. Like I mentioned in my short rant,… Read more »
You don’t think the implication that pre-marital sex will damage your ability to commit to the person you do eventually marry is dated?
dated *and* psychologically dangerous in preventing people from discovering a fuller, more completely spectrum of emotions, desires of/ and offerings to others.
I am normally such a fan of The Good Men Project, but this is a shockingly sexist and dated piece. It’s 2012, people. 2012.
I was going to post a negative comment, but you all got here before me. 🙂
Might as well add: “Being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue is a gift. A precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess. You want to give this gift very carefully. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You’ll have to buy him a sweater.”
Possibly a Cosby-esque sweater, and really those don’t look good on anybody except for Bill Cosby.
“If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You’ll have to buy him a sweater.”
ROFL. Love it!
More important than what specific things you discuss with your child is how you behave. Fathers who take interest in their daughter’s lives and hobbies, know their daughter’s friends, and can joke around and have fun with their daughters, teach their daughters that they deserve a man who will talk AND listen to them without just wanting sex. My father taught me not to settle by his actions and interactions with me. The lives of my childhood friends have followed some pretty predictable paths based on interactions with their fathers when we were kids. The girls with absent or unstable… Read more »
Well said Donna. I’ve been involved with my 3 daughters feom birth. Feeding , baths, diapers(even the lumpy ones) Coaching them on sports teams. However, I must admit, when it came to sex talks, I deferred to their mother. Look, a man approching middle age realisticly has no understanding the thought process of a teenaged woman(yes biologically, they are women). I just did the best I could do at what I could do and hoped it was a good example of what to expect in a relationship.
I just noticed something … not related to the articles but ya’ll notice the adds to the right? —->
Womens clothing, shoes etc????
Good to hear that dads are talking about this stuff. Much rather that then their hearing it from some nut case at their school. BTW, at least here in Illinois, you can opt your kids out of these programs. I did.
I started the sex talk when my girls were no more than 2 years old, in the bath tub. And the conversation has continued, evolving as they get older. They very clearly understand the important principles regarding sexuality, that sex is not a game nor merely an involuntary bodily function, that if they don’t respect themselves, they can’t expect anyone else to respect them.
That’s great – that’s much more like the kind of conversation that’s helpful to children making their own decisions, thinking carefully about their own feelings AND those of their partners.
Thank you. Just a point of clarification. My children have no partners and know that it’s in their best interests not to until that person is a permanent part of their life.
That’s what I have seen to be the best in the long run and what we teach them. Others are free to disagree and do disagree but my views are set on that.
I agree with you Eric. Free Love is not really free (sex) especially for Adolescents.
This dad says thanks!
Alright so the beginning of this article was actually pretty good. Telling parents to actually talk to their kids about sex, and to make sure they listen to what their kids are saying – that’s a good thing. And then by the time we get to #4 I think we hopped back into the 1950s or something. Really…4-9 were pretty much just…rubbish. Just. No. I mean could he get any more stereotypical about what men and women do? Not to mention…could we please maybe include homosexuality and bisexuality into any sex-talks that parents have with their children. It makes it… Read more »
I made a post about #4-#9, saying something to the effect that “I predict that items #4 to #9 will accomplish the GMP goal of consensus between feminists and MRAs, because there is offending material for everyone.” My comment did not make the editorial cut, probably because I dropped a few colourful metaphors.
I cannot say I enjoyed this article. Seems designed to promote women as flowers to be protected (and that must stay away from sex, purity, stickiness blah blah) and promotes men as unfeeling creatures who don’t suffer deeply from heartbreak. 4 was offensive to men and their hearts. 5 was offensive to women and their desires. I’ve seen that example used before (that and a toothbrush, or a flower losing petals) and I can’t believe how off key it is for modern life. Sex is a glue yes. But you don’t run out of oxytocin from sex with many men… Read more »
Amen to that.
“6. Guys say “love” to get sex. Girls give sex to get love”
This was stupid, SOME people say love to get sex. ugh
Naw Archy…don’t you know that all men are randy pricks, and all women are manipulative biatches? 😉
Infuriates me. Especially since I’ve had women assume me being a man with a high sex drive = A man without love and that I only want sex. Everyone needs to realize someone can be horny daily/quite a few times a day and still love, care, respect, cherish everything about others. Even when aroused a man or woman can still care about their partner/s and not JUST want sex but romance, love, compassion, etc. Bitterness and bad experiences seem to dictate peoples assumptions in others a lot, and it sucks being lumped in with the negatives of OTHER people simply… Read more »
Couldn’t have said it better.
The author seems to have a very old fashioned view of sex which is not supported by the evidence. They also have a very traditionally sexist “protect the womenz” view of relationships that says all men are “just out to get one thing”. It’s relationship advice from the 1950s. I would say men are much more likely to fall in love quickly and are much more “at risk” in the way this guy is warning girls. “Girls give sex to get love” It seems to be more than girls restrict or withhold sex to get commitment. But these days the… Read more »
Okay, although #4 threw me, I have to say that some of what this guys says is right on. But a lot of what he would like fathers to do CAN’T be done simply because we live in a society that promotes mother only kids. Fathers don’t have the access to do what he says. Good advise for the intact families but that’s not too many these days. Dad’s are busy defending themselves in court or working two jobs to pay the support OR it’s in the clink for them. What he doesn’t talk about is that talk is cheep.… Read more »
“A girl’s heart is at much greater risk than the guy’s.”
Was this an attempt at comedy? Or does this “relationship expert” actually believe this?
Anthony, wow … that’s one thing this guy said that hit me as well. Three years ago I spent two days with my adult son helping him through a break up with his girlfriend. Biggest obsticle was his lack of willingness to let his pain come out. With more and more guys not having an understanding of all the emotions and how sex triggers the same chemicals in their brain as females, there is less and less willingness on the part of society to help guys. It’s all about the women.
That hit me too. I mean okay, so he’s giving advice specifically about a father talking to a daughter about sex, so I get why it’s focused on the girl. But the idea that a girl is more emotionally invested in a relationship than a guy…that’s just so freaking sexist! We need a “guys are human beings,” stamp or something for advice like this.
Yeah, that immediately drew my attention. The rest of the article has its merits, but not this notion.
Besides being truly bogus, it’s dehumanizing to believe, and then act on, the idea that the person across from you has no feelings, no heart, is not deserving of your consideration. Regardless of the intent of such a statement, that’s the conclusion to which most will arrive.