How about these State Fair ideas?

The Iowa State Fair is a beloved annual event. The turnstiles twist more than a million times each year. Still, even the most successful events can be improved.

And I'm just crazy enough to try.

I am an introvert who avoids crowds, gatherings and events and is allergic to outdoors. I am outside the fair's target demographic.

Still, if fair organizers are interested trying to draw an audience of people who aren't really interested in large, weeklong festivals, I have some ideas.

OUT: Cow chip throwing contest.

IN: Cow throwing contest. Get some of those supermen and superwomen produced by Farrell's, Crossfit and other extreme gyms to see how far they can chuck a Holstein. I suppose PETA would protest, but PETA is even less of the fair's target audience than I am.

OUT: The Des Moines Register Political Soapbox.

IN: The Des Moines Register Political Talent Show on the Bill O'Reilly Stage. We know these candidates can talk about politics. But can the talk about politics while juggling bowling pins and riding a unicycle or twirling a baton? That candidate who can outline their foreign policy while doing a vigorous tumbling routine has my vote.

OUT: Food on a stick.

IN: Food on a spork. Any dummy can jam a stick into a hotdog or pork chop. This is an opportunity for the Iowa State Fair to lead the way in the cultural revolution that recognizes the spork for what it is: one of the greatest inventions of mankind.

OUT: Holding the fair during 11 potentially sweltering days in August.

IN: Hold the fair in March, right after the girls' state basketball tournament, which has been scientifically proven to cause blizzards. (Note to editor: May need fact-checking here.) By mid-March, the temperature approaches something close to pleasant before, as Ken Fuson once wrote, the state's weather becomes a theme park based on the Book of Revelation.

OUT: Selecting the fair queen by judging.

IN: Selecting the fair queen by a massive freestyle wrestling match refereed by Dan Gable.

OUT: Baking, gardening and cooking contests.

IN: Baking, gardening and cooking contests that reflect how people actually live. Categories would include Best Use Customization of Instant Brownie Mix, Best Crock Pot Spaghetti for Methodist Potluck and Best Selection of Least-Rotten Tomatoes from Discount Grocery.

OUT: East Side Appreciation Night.

IN: Alcohol-free East Side Appreciation Night. Like I said, I don't care for crowds. An East Side Night without a Bud Tent would leave the Fairgrounds practically barren.

OUT: Parking at the Fairgrounds.

IN: If you want to go to the fair, you must park in an east-side yard. Try not to scratch your cars on the derelict vehicles already in the yard. (Oh, settle down, Lee Township. I went to East High School. I'm allowed to make that joke.)

OUT: Sleepy final day of the fair where most exhibits are torn down and vendors close up shop.

IN: Massive food fight with the fruits, vegetables and baked goods that have been on display for more than a week.

OUT: Butter cow.

IN: Butter Cow Eating Contest. The cow still gets sculpted and displayed for five days, but on Day 6 of the State Fair, contestants armed with mass quantities of pancakes and waffles attack it with knives. Last one to succumb to the effects of listeriosis wins.

DANIEL P. FINNEY is a Des Moines Register reporter. Contact: dafinney@dmreg.com.