Reshaping classic TV for today's audiences

By Daniel P. Finney

September brings a batch of new programs and returning favorites to network television.

Here's a look at some classic programs reimagined for today's audience.

7 a.m. LOONEY TUNES, CARTOON — Wile E. Coyote's unslaked pursuit of the Road Runner ends when Acme finally cuts off his line of credit for overdue fees and he's forced to declare bankruptcy.

7:30 a.m. HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, CARTOON — The evil Skeltor's anonymous phone call to federal authorities leads to the arrest of He-Man's steroid supplier and the subsequent investigation could result in the Eternian hero's permanent ban from the Masters of the Universe.

Noon. SAY ANYTHING, MOVIE — Diane Court, class valedictorian, seeks and receives a restraining order against her stalker, a creepy wanna-be kick boxer named Lloyd Dobler.

3 p.m. DR. PHIL, TALK — Dr. Phil interviews controversial child star Charlie Brown and asks, "Isn't Lucy's refusal to let you kick the football just a metaphor for your sex life?"

6 p.m. THE HONEYMOONERS, COMEDY — Astronauts are surprised to find Mrs. Alice Kramden sitting on the moon, saying, "Well, Ralph always said he would send me here."

6:30 p.m. M*A*S*H: CID, ACTION-COMEDY — The 4077th is anxious when Army Criminal Investigation Command detectives show up to look into a series of bizarre heists. The prime suspect? B.J. Hunnicutt's mustache.

7 p.m. STAR TREK, SCI-FI— Capt. Kirk and Dr. McCoy find themselves in hot water after Mr. Spock files a hostile work environment charge with Starfleet human resources, citing McCoy's constant racist references to Spock's green blood and pointed ears.

8 p.m. DUKES OF HAZZARD, ACTION— The General Lee is permanently parked after Bo and Luke are unable to get insurance policies because of their terrible driving records.

9 p.m. ATLAS SHRUGGED, MOVIE— Atlas visits a chiropractor who tells him his neck is so tight "it's like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders."

THE AUTHOR:

DANIEL P. FINNEY is a Des Moines Register reporter. Contact: dafinney @dmreg.com.