OPINION

Bonus column: Here’s what Roger Goodell really meant to say

By Daniel P. Finney

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had a news conference last week to discuss what the league was going to do about the recent outbreak of players who beat up women and children.

Goodell answered questions from a room full of TV reporters whose parent companies pay the league billions of dollars for the right to air NFL games.

The high point was when a reporter for a website famous for stalking celebrities asked the toughest question of the event: Why didn’t Goodell’s investigators get the tape of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his wife unconscious in a casino elevator?

Goodell didn’t have an answer. He didn’t have many answers at all despite talking for about 45 minutes. He was heavy on banal platitudes and light on tangible action.

Fortunately, we at The Des Moines Register acquired a Goodell-to-Reality Decoder Ring, which helps you see what the NFL boss really meant.

GOODELL: I believe I have the support of the owners.

TRANSLATION: I’m hanging by a thread.

GOODELL: We have always tried to do the right thing.

TRANSLATION: We have always tried to do the profitable thing.

GOODELL: There will be a set of clear and transparent rules for legal personnel, owners and players.

TRANSLATION: There will be a vague set of rules that our lawyers will constantly shift to protect our owners’ profits. Transparency is a strong word. We prefer the term opaque, like the frosted glass shower door at a classy hotel.

GOODELL: There will be changes to the personal conduct policy. I know this. We will make it happen. Nothing is off the table.

TRANSLATION: We’re not going to do anything that will cost owners money. That’s totally off the table.

GOODELL: That is how we get better, evolve and learn from our mistakes and do a better job going forward.

TRANSLATION: We’re kind of hoping that by taking five months to make new rules about beating up women and children — rules that should be obvious to anyone with even a flicker of a moral compass, people will just go back to watching games and forget about this stuff.

THE AUTHOR:

DANIEL P. FINNEY is a full-time Des Moines Register reporter and a part-time smarty pants. Follow him on Twitter: @newsmanone.