An Adult Film Star’s Guide to Embracing a Fetish in Bed

Even though we’re living in a time where sex is so openly portrayed in mainstream media (thanks, EL James!), we’re still missing out on something that could quite literally be at our fingertips … or other body parts. Time and time again, I get asked about fetishes.

“I love the arch of women’s feet!”

“I have dreams about taking two guys at once.”

“I can only orgasm with a partner if they spank me and call me dirty words.”

“I wear my wife’s thong when I masturbate.”

“I get hard when women call me Daddy.”

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These are all statements I’ve heard, and the question that inevitably follows them is always the same: “Am I WEIRD?!?”

And that’s exactly why we’re often hesitant to share our deepest ingrained desires with our partners. Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of repulsion, fear of not being understood. Acceptance is such an inherent need for humans. We crave it to the extent that we’re posting pictures exposing TMI and counting likes on social media, yet we can’t admit what turns us on to the person who might be able to help.

Assuming that what you’re into isn’t illegal and doesn’t involve hurting someone who doesn’t want to be hurt, you aren’t weird. You may be different, but we all are. (In fact, I recently read an article on IFLScience.com about a study published in the Journal of Sex Research that basically concludes that the sexual desires our society deems “weird” or “deviant” are held by nearly half of those surveyed.)

So tell your partner. Tell them what gets you wet, gets you hard, curls your toes, makes you scream or tremble or gasp or quiver, what gets you off, what leaves you breathless. Not only is it a vulnerable exercise in trust, it’s also a claiming of your own sexuality—and I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve surprised people by bestowing upon them this truth: We are all responsible for our own orgasms, and that includes informing our lover how best to gift them to us. Don’t deny yourself satisfaction and fulfillment to protect the image you think your partner holds of you, because either you’ll feel shorted and eventually resent them for it OR you’ll get it somehow, some way … with someone else.

But how do you bring it up? Early.

In the beginning of your relationship when you’re first getting to know one another. But, if you’re reading this 10 years into a marriage, I suggest you take small steps and discover your fetish together, as if it was the first time. Find erotica that showcases it, whether it be a book or a movie. Maybe you overheard someone talking about it, or read an article online. Tell them you’re curious. And then … ask them about theirs.

The one they may be hiding because they’re afraid you’ll think they’re weird.

Adult superstar Jessica Drake is an exclusive Wicked Pictures contract performer, writer, and director, as well as an emerging sexual wellness authority. In her award-winning self-directed “Guide to Wicked Sex” series, Jessica brings erotic topics to life through intimate demonstrations performed by some of today’s hottest adult stars. The same demand for her modern sex-education DVDs also takes Jessica, a charismatic public speaker, around the world, presenting seminars and workshops at expos, retail outlets, and universities, where she speaks to curious adults desiring to learn more about sex, romance, and communication. Follow her on Twitter, and visit Guide to Wicked Sex.