In honor of his High School graduation, Jeremy Feist offers touching and hysterical advice to his younger brother on how to have a good and happy life.
Originally appeared at JeremyFeist.com
(My youngest brother graduated from High School on Monday. Which is fucking weird, because younger brothers aren’t supposed to be old. What kind of sorcery is this? Anyway, as a graduation gift, my mother asked my brothers and I to write a letter to him, so I decided to try and pass on as much about adulthood as I could in the space of 2,000 words. It’s a doozey, yes, but still, it’s always good to have a little help crossing the threshold into adulthood. Here, printed below, is the letter in its entirety.)
Dear Patrick,
You’ve graduated. Or you’re graduating. What’s the proper conjugation for this? Whatever, both are probably fine. My point is, you’ve passed high school, which officially means you’re smarter than anyone who has ever been on reality TV. Pat yourself on the back.
Now that you’ve graduated, it’s time for you to transition into being an adult. As someone who’s been an adult for three whole years, I feel I know everything there is to know about being grown up and not being a minor. I have made good decisions, bad decisions, decisions that have occupied a moral grey space in between, and occasionally I have made the decision to not make a decision and merely wait until circumstance made a decision for me (that’s called “being a pussy”).
So as my graduation gift to you, I’m going to lecture you condescendingly for way longer than you could ever possibly need. Mostly because you didn’t go to Kairos and Mom is still mad about that. (For the record, you totally made the right decision transferring out of Loyola. That place is a shithole. And not once in my career has anyone ever said “golly, you went to Loyola? YOU GET THE JOB!” In your face, parents.) Anyway, consider this a cheat sheet to adulthood. I mean sure, you could live life and learn all these on your own, but fuck that. Take the shortcut. Just think: This’ll save you three whole years of learning! Sorta!
#1: “Drama” and “Frienemies” are words created by MTV as an excuse to put terrible people together in the same room and film them be awful to each other. In the real world, “Drama” is an easy-A course you take in high school to bump up your grade, and “frienemies” is just a cute euphemism for “passive-aggressive bitch”. If you have to ask yourself whether or not you want to have someone in your life, chances are the answer is a resounding “no”. Surround yourself with people you want in your life, and avoid people you don’t.
#2: It is no one’s job to make you feel good about yourself. It’s your responsibility to remember how great you are. Don’t go full-blown delusional with it, but try and remember that you’re generally kind of kick-ass.
#3: You’re not special. Well, you’re special in the way that you’re unique and there’s only one of you and we all love you. What I mean to say is that you’re not entitled to any preferential treatment. You get the same shake as anyone else, and that means you have to work for the things you want in life just like everyone else. No one is ever going to hand you something. You want it? Go get it. Don’t take no for an answer.
#4: If you’re willing to work for it, you can do whatever you want. Well, almost anything. I don’t mean like “Oh, you can fly if you believe in yourself like fucking Peter Pan”. I just mean that you have the potential to be whatever. You just have to work to shape yourself into the you you want to be. That sounds confusing, but once you figure it out, it won’t be.
#5: Related to that last item, the best thing you can do for yourself is surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be. For example, I wanted to go into comedy, so I surrounded myself with comedians and various other kinds of funny people. Experience is the best teacher, so the best thing you can do for yourself is go out and learn from the best. Internships are a great way to pick up skills and tricks for whatever you want to do with your life. They’re usually not paid, but generally speaking they go a long way to achieving the career you want.
#6: Sex: Have as much or as little of it as you want, but just be safe about it. Wear a condom. They will protect you from every STD out there, and that includes HIV and AIDS. Also, you might want to be careful with oral because you can get just about any STD from beejays (NEVER let someone with a cold sore go down on you, unless you want herpes). Mistakes happen, so the best thing you can do for yourself is get regular STD checks every month or so if you’re active, and HIV screenings every three months. Other than that, go nuts.
#7: When you first move out on your own, you’re going to experience what I call “the ice cream test”. Here’s how it works: You’re going to get your own place, and you’re going to realize that you can do whatever you want and no one can tell you otherwise. You’re going to realize that you can eat ice cream for every meal of the day. You will do it. And it’ll be totally fucking sweet until a couple days later your shit comes out like low-fat frozen yogurt. This is the point where you realize that yes, you can objectively do whatever you want. Unfortunately, you’re also going to have to deal with the consequences. Learn to hold yourself accountable for the things you do, and you’ll be all the better for it.
#8: While we’re on the subject of proper dietary habits, try and eat as healthy as you can. Fresh meat and vegetables are actually much cheaper than fast food and much healthier for you. Seriously, two bucks will buy you enough broccoli to last you for a week, and it does wonders for you.
#9: This next one’s a bit of a doozy, so bear with me: Drugs and Alcohol. For the love of God, stay away from hard drugs. Cocaine is awful and it just makes you feel jittery and wired. Ecstasy isn’t the worst thing in the world (I’ve done it once or twice, if we’re being honest), but it fucks with your head and it dehydrates with you, so try and avoid that when you can. I shouldn’t have to say this, but everything else is GODDAMN EVIL. Do NOT do any of that other shit. Oh, and before I forget, eating things laced with weed. When you eat weed, you go on a REALLY bad trip and it’s terrifying. It lasts for four hours, but honestly, it feels like forever and it’s absolute hell. Do not trust anyone who offers you pot brownies, trust me. As for booze… Drink in modesty. Remember last Christmas when Jonathan got alcohol poisoning? I love him, but that was the stupidest fucking thing I have ever seen. Nearly dying because you didn’t know when to put down the bottle is not a badge of honour; it’s a fucking stupid thing. If anyone ever tells you about how much they drank as if it’s some kind of feat, chances are you’re talking to a complete fuck-up.
#10: I know the popular message nowadays is that everyone is perfect the way they are and you shouldn’t have to change for anyone. This isn’t entirely false, but it’s not entirely true either. The best advice I can give you when dealing with criticism is to try and gauge the intent with which it’s given, and who it’s coming from. Is this someone who knows what they’re talking about, and wants to point you in the right direction? Is this an asshole who’s trying to micromanage you? Is this person just being a dick for the sake of being a dick? Try and place the criticism in context, then decide whether you want to learn from it or whether it’s best to ignore it. Other than that, just try and stay steadfast in your beliefs, until and unless experience and reality prove otherwise.
#11: Never be afraid to be childlike. Childish is wrong. Child-like is something that should be celebrated. The smartest people I know are the ones who stay in touch with their inner child, as corny as that sounds. Yes, it’s important to be responsible and maintain control of your life, but sometimes it’s fun to spend a Saturday building blanket forts and watching cartoons. I can’t remember who said this, so I’m just going to claim it as my own: “When I grew up, I learned to put away childish things, including the fear of not being seen as an adult”. My point is, if you’re really an adult, you don’t have to worry about whether or not other people think you’re an adult.
#12: This is the final piece of advice I have, I swear, so just bear with me a little longer. As an adult, you’re about to enter a world that is so, so hard. There are going to be times you struggle, and there are going to be times when things are shitty, and there are going to be times when you honestly have no fucking clue how you’re going to keep going. But you have to. I’m not talking out of my ass either: When my first boyfriend died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to crawl out from underneath it. There was no revelation, no “aha” moment. I just kept going until things got better.
It’s easy to become jaded and cynical. There’s nothing to lose in thinking that everything is shit. In fact, that’s actually cool now. It’s super cool to be so fucking above it all. But if you listen to one thing on this list, let it be this: You can’t let yourself become mired in pessimism. You have to be open to the idea that things can be good. You’ll miss so much of the world if you write off the possibility of beauty.
The fact of the matter is, not everything in your life is going to go the way you planned it. Some of your dreams won’t come true. Some people you love will leave you. Things will happen that make no sense, and you’ll wonder why, and you’ll never get an answer. You won’t win every battle, but – and I promise you, this is true – if you hang in there, and you work hard, and you’re kind to people, amazing things will happen. Your life won’t happen exactly the way you want it to, but sometimes you’ll find new opportunities, new roads, new ways to happiness. If live your life in cynicism, you’ll never find them, and you’ll stay stuck and miserable.
If you ever move to Toronto (or Chicago or Los Angeles) I want you to visit a place called Second City. It’s a studio that specializes in improve comedy. The first thing they’ll teach you there is how to say “Yes, and…” This means accepting what the world gives you, and then adding to it. This is the first and only rule of improv, because the moment you say “no” or “maybe” or “yeah, but…” everything grinds to a halt. Saying “Yes, and…” to life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Accept what life gives you, then improve upon it. Things are never going to go the way you want them to, but if you can accept that and work to improve what’s real and what’s there, amazing things will happen. I promise.
Other than that… Do whatever you want. Why are you listening to me? This is your life. Do what you want and try to be a good person. It’s the most any of us can do.
With luck and brotherly love,
Jeremy
Jeremy. Well thought; well said.
I often wish I’d had a brother. I read something such as this, and I feel that absence more deeply.
It took me more than three years past high school to get as far as you have.
Well done.
KO
Absolutely love it. If I took every tip in here and reversed it, I’d come away with the advice I got from my older sisters. In fact, they cooked the dope brownies for me! And then I got the munchies and I ate another one. That did not end well …