Can we afford deny the connection between the dysfunction of the norms of masculinity and violence against men and boys any longer?
I was telling a friend recently about my emotional reaction the first time I heard the Joyful Heart Foundation’s PSA that talks about engaging men to “end violence against all people, men women and children.”
I explained that the words “ … men, women and children,” brought tears to my eyes, because in my nearly 25 years working in the field of child protection, sexual and domestic violence intervention, I’d never heard anyone else talk so directly about ending violence against men.
As one of the 19 million adult men in the United States who experienced childhood sexual abuse myself, I’m well acquainted with the impact that that trauma had on my growth and development. I find the choice to include men, as being worthy of protection from violence, profoundly validating.
My friend, a man I deeply respect for his years working tirelessly as an activist in the movement to engage men in ending violence against women and children, seemed shocked by the phrase. “Did they actually say it like that…’men, women and children,” he asked. “I could never say that.”
How unfortunate!
Because in fact, there’s nothing in the acknowledgment of the impact of childhood trauma on men that in any way diminishes the dire need to end violence against women and children. There’s nothing in that acknowledgment that disputes the dysfunction of norms of masculinity, which endorse anger as the only legitimate emotion for men, or that in any way excuses violence against women. If anything, a trauma-informed approach to understanding men’s often hurtful behaviors may be the best chance we have of breaking cycles of violence.
In my 15 years as a child-protection social worker, I was responsible for removing scores of children—both girls and boys—from abusive homes; some of the situations were so egregious that their placement lasted for the remaining years of their childhoods. I watched the boys grow up in family and community cultures where males are almost universally discouraged from ever acknowledging the feelings of pain, fear, sadness, or powerlessness that surely bubbled beneath the stoic exteriors of their budding manhood.
Can anyone really believe there’s no connection between that childhood trauma; the prohibition against emotional release for males; and the litany of ineffective, numbing mechanisms that we so often see men substitute for healing—things like addictions to work, food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, high-risk occupations and activities; things like violence toward others and toward themselves?
Now, I have no interest in the irrelevant argument, which I sometimes hear, that we somehow have to determine whether or not women are equally as violent as men before we can validate and address the negative impact of childhood trauma on boys. As I emphasize to the men in the Certified Batterers Intervention groups I lead each week, indicting women as a gender as a defense for hurting others is a pointless distraction from accepting responsibility for self-healing.
A boy or a man certainly has a right to be angry for abusive treatment against them, whether from a man or woman or an older child. Each of us must also hold ourselves responsible for how we express that anger and whether it seeps out in ways that are ultimately hurtful or abusive toward others.
But the real healing comes, when we men have social permission to start acknowledging the pain and vulnerability that lurks beneath the anger; to start voicing the powerlessness that comes from not being protected, and from having been, as males, culturally constricted from asking for help. And that’s why insisting on the inclusion of boys and men in the goal of “…ending violence against all people, men, women and children,” is such a critical part of really changing the norms of masculinity.
If we’re not ending violence against men, we’ll never end violence. Period!
Peter Pollard is the Training and Outreach Director for 1in6, Inc. Peter previously worked for 15 years as a state, child-protection social worker and was the Public Education director at Stop It Now! Since 2003, he has served as the Western Massachusetts coordinator for SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and also does work for a Certified Batterers Intervention Program.
You might also enjoy: Men and Sexual Abuse: What to Say?
Photo credit: Flickr / bixentro
I understand what you are getting at. The fact is, is that we as a society need to address this issue unitedly instead of bestowing responsibility upon just men, because women are in fact responsible for violence against boys and girls as well. It is therefore not a gender-based issue, but a human issue. But we cannot monitor how everyone treats their kids, so we in some way will always have people who are hurting and express that by hurting others. We need to come to an understanding that violence is a learnt behaviour, and it derives from trauma. Trauma… Read more »
I have two messages in moderation…
I suppose we can go back and forth on this issue. It is simple though. Men and women should be united in the support of the principals of protecting the most vulnerable among us, protecting the rights of each citizen to enjoy the rights laid out by the founding fathers of this nation and to remove and punish evil persons among us. I don’t agree with your numbers. There is no way that 10% of males in our society commit crimes. It is more like 0.01%. The problem is that the few taint the many. In my opinion, if good… Read more »
“Blaming women will not yield any relief because we are not at fault. We don’t have he power to fix the problem but men do.” No I disagree, men DONT have the power to fix this. Just like men cannot stop rape. Because the sourche dont come from men. Neither women. But we as SOCIETY can do this, TOGETHER. Not as a small fringe. And I also dispute your claim of women resentment. Maybe resentment against a individual is possible. But generally women dont resent men. If you disagree, show me something to back that up. Because its more a… Read more »
Today while watching the NFC playoffs there was an ad for a FOX Network for a show called the Girls. The ad had a young woman kick a man in the groin and laugh, then he kicked another one in the groin, and that one kicked another one in the groin. All the while the laugh track was running. Would TV ever show a man punching a woman in the face with a laugh track in the background? Obviously not. What can we to end violence against men on TV? The kicking, punching, shooting in the grin seems to be… Read more »
Francisco first I want to preface what I am going to say by sharing info about me. I am a mother to a 7 yo daughter and 5 yr old boy and I am married to a wonderful man and father. I worry about what will happen to my son. He is vulnerable to violence, and sexual abuse overwhelmingly from men. I worry more about my daughter because she is much more vulnerable assults than my son. In fact, our culture is structured to ignore this problem. Women are in the forefront of laws to prosecute and protect women, not… Read more »
“However, when men are assulted by women there is an outcry. Why is there no outcry agaist the many assults that women are subjected to?” Bullshit, pure bullshit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen outcries against female victimization whilst male victimization is ignored. FACT, the majority of sexual abuse men face is perpetrated by women, but did you know that? Name me one anti-rape campaign that tells women to stop raping men. “As a consequence, women have little sympathy for men as a whole because they are not afforded protection agaisnst a mans right to assult women.”… Read more »
I stopped reading after your first sentence. I assume the rest of what you wrote was as meritorious as that first sentence. You might at lest enter the discussion with an argument that rises to as a high level as the other posters.
Then allow me. I worry about what will happen to my son. He is vulnerable to violence, and sexual abuse overwhelmingly from men. I worry more about my daughter because she is much more vulnerable assults than my son. So does that mean that the possibility of assault from women should be actively ignored? Because that’s what’s happening now. Even for all the discourse around women who are raped by men I can say this. When is the last time someone tried to argue that a woman can’t be raped by a man because she’s a woman? I’m sure you’ve… Read more »
Ignore it if you wish but getting caught up over my first sentence doesn’t really reflect much on your part, how about addressing the rest of what I said? Here, a more polite intro. “I am sorry but I highly disagree with what you have said.”, that better? I’d like to see where society cares more about male victims than female victims of violence in all forms, considering we have things like violence against women laws n protections, in my own country we have “the plan” to address violence against women and children (which ignores male victims, 1 in 3… Read more »
I post in a hurry, so just few lines, before I have to go. Marie, I disagree with your statements, and I reply to you on few points. “As a consequence, women have little sympathy for men as a whole because they are not afforded protection agaisnst a mans right to assult women.” I disagree, this is more a ideological/doctrinal response or excuse to a societal problem. Boys and men are invisible, and still today 2013 very few people knows or acknowledge that men/boys are subjected to harsh abuse. Matter of fact there are little support meanwhile, women who are… Read more »
I read some previous posts that lament the fact that men are expected to solve this problem without the assistance of women. I hope my post is not interpreted as another “blame the man” post. My point was that intervention for men needs to be sensitive to the special problems that men face. The fight against the abuse of men should be taken up by both men and women. But I think that some consideration should be given to the possibility that outcomes may be better if the therapist is a man. That at lest should be one subject of… Read more »
I have read that men and boys almost never seek help for the violence against them. They are expected to either fight it off or suck it up. Of course this cultural attitude makes perpetrators free to abuse 100s of men and boys. I think men need different kind of intervention and separate facilities to deal with this hidden horror. I believe it needs to be lead by men. I am not saying that woman do not care but because it is so difficult for a man to address this, that they may be more likely to reveal to a… Read more »
Just in case I was not clear about this in my previous post, I find the symbolism of Jesus to be disgusting and morally reprehensible. The basic teachings of goodness and the example he set – if one believes the writings- is inspirational. The bloody corpse symbol (and myriad other fails) essentially undo whatever good might have come from his sacrifice. This is the saddest thing of all. That he died only to serve as a symbol of fear to benefit so few.
None of this will ever change until we find a away to remove the poisonous influence of religion (I consider them all to be cults). It boggles my mind to think that some of our greatest leaders, and in fact a majority of Americans, believe in a ghost in the sky who rules with his son and a bird who see all and know all. These people worship a bloody dead corpse on a pike for goodness sake. What greater reminder of violence than a beaten and bloodied tortured dead god corpse on a wooden pole! I assume that I… Read more »
i don’t know.
Thanks for the cite. Considerably more involved than the steam-boiler model from psychoanalytic theory.
First point, though, is to solve the problem before making yourself incapable.
In most cases people cry for a finite period of time and are still capable of solving problems.
“”When the norms in question are “Punching is the only acceptable emotion” and “Boys don’t cry”, yeah, that’s pretty dysfunctional. The article didn’t say anything about challenging all norms of masculinity, just harmful ones.”” Beee Essss. The issue about crying is two-fold: One; wait until whatever made you think about crying is solved. Two; is crying really that much fun? Is it a habit we might overcome? Where is the emprical work showing that slobbering all over oneself at the least misfortune or uncomfortable thought–since strawmanning is allowed here, apparently–useful or theraputic? I mean, it’s supposed to be. Everybody claims… Read more »
http://pittsburgh.academia.edu/LaurenBylsma/Papers/597158/Is_crying_beneficial
When the norms in question are “Punching is the only acceptable emotion” and “Boys don’t cry”, yeah, that’s pretty dysfunctional. The article didn’t say anything about challenging all norms of masculinity, just harmful ones. Anyway, I think the comments here are focusing a bit too heavily on the negative here. Yes, there are real problems with the phrasing used in this video, and they do deserve to be examined and criticized. But we need to make sure we don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good here. Despite its flaws, this is still a big step in the… Read more »
PMDR: “Anyway, I think the comments here are focusing a bit too heavily on the negative here. Yes, there are real problems with the phrasing used in this video, and they do deserve to be examined and criticized. But we need to make sure we don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good here. Despite its flaws, this is still a big step in the right direction.” Telling men they’re welcome while placing the entire onus on them to end all violence against themselves, women and children (I don’t care how you slice it, this is a spit… Read more »
I agree Eagle. It seems quite obvious to me that men who experience violence would help it or stop it if they could. The problem resides in human nature and this is not easily rectified. Religion, sports, guilt, and a variety of other approaches have been used to channel male aggression over the centuries to no avail. The men who will take the blame will continue to be the victims. This is the way it has always been. Abusers could not give a crap less what women or weaker men have to say. That’s just the nature of dominance. The… Read more »
PMDR:
I think this focusing might be happening because those negative things are things that have already stood unchallenged for far too long. It’s not like these things just came out of nowhere with this exact video. The idea that men are responsible for all violence is not new. The idea that male victims that need to be reminded that are responsible for all violence is not new (but when it’s done to women it might be called victim blaming).
Who says the norms of masculity are dysfunctional? That’s a pretty outrageous claim, and it is the foundation of this article.
The Arab way…
Tis the only way…
I mean their way of justice.
Cut it off.
End the cause.
Destroy the source.
Shoot the MthrFkr!!!
But that’s just me….
I can really understand trying to keep guys from eternally blaming women (but apparently the eternal blaming of men is okay) for their pain but at the same time I think it’s gotten to the point where people are actively trying to avoid holding abusive women responsible for their actions.
Men are constantly being accused of blaming women when in actuality we are simply arguing that they should take some kind of responsibility instead of blaming us eternally. You’re absolutely right about them being permitted, nay, encouraged, to blame us for everything and anything. Me and my friend Tim had this ongoing joke, whenever there was a disaister, earthquake, flood, whatever, we’d apologise to each other, “that was entirely my fault, sorry”, bubonic plague, yeah that was my idea I’m sorry about that, etc. If men were killed we’d interject, “but they didn’t suffer in any way”. Like when he… Read more »
“they should take some kind of responsibility instead of blaming us eternally.”
The responsibility for the abuse falls squarely upon those committing it, but I agree if an entire gender can be held accountable for the actions of a few then women should hold their gender accountable for the violence that women commit, which is substantial.
If they’re talking about it being men’s responsibility to end violence committed by all, I’d counter that it is everybody’s responsibility to end violence. It’s interesting how the gender roles must be enforced (man as protector) when it disadvantages men.
“If you want men to not blame women as a whole for the violence committed against them, then get women and society to stop blaming men as a whole for violence against everyone else”
Danny. Ask for the keys to Ft. Knox. We’ll see which comes first.
I did Richard and do you know what they said?
“Call back when men aren’t being blamed for violence against everyone else.”
Damn…
Danny. I expect that was what you anticipated, and so you didn’t quit your day job, did you?
No I didn’t.
Hit enter too soon
The reason I ask is because about a year ago my uncle reported his wife for domestic violence, and was granted a restraining order. He went to the local social services office to inquire about help with the problem and was referred to a local woman who would help him and his kids. After a one hour interview and getting all the facts she referred him to a local program for batterers, YES, she wanted him to attend a meeting for batterers.
Do you think she was acting in his best interests? The implications are different (both really bad) depending on the answer. If she was, it indicates that she knows the court system will screw him over and make him out to be the batterer. If she wasn’t, that is an indictment of the sexism inherent in DV social services organizations. It could be that VAWA constrains her actions or a combination of the three.
Hi, John, NO VAWA here (yet?), I am in Canada, I hightly doubt (but could be wrong) she was acting in his best interests because this is the same woman who told us at session at work about what the rule of thumb means “the old meme that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb”. This woman is well steeped in feminist lore.
@OP: Have you ever had a woman in your Certified Batterers Intervention Program, if so, how many. After all , the latest stats indicate that there are a fair number of batterers who are women, even the the most female friendly stats say at least 25% are women.
I really do like the specific mention of male victims of abuse. However like others have said this awareness seem to be taking a back seat to making sure women’s feelings don’t get hurt over being called out being possible abusers. Now, I have no interest in the irrelevant argument, which I sometimes hear, that we somehow have to determine whether or not women are equally as violent as men before we can validate and address the negative impact of childhood trauma on boys. As I emphasize to the men in the Certified Batterers Intervention groups I lead each week,… Read more »
Speaking of this, “However like others have said this awareness seem to be taking a back seat to making sure women’s feelings don’t get hurt over being called out being possible abusers.” There were a few people over at the Virgin Airlines that were tripping over themselves to say that a child’s safety is more important than a man’s feelings. I wonder if any of those same people are willing to say that helping male victims (at least the ones that were abused by females) is more important that hurting a woman’s feelings in this regard. Mind you this is… Read more »
Since women commit the majority of child abuse and the majority of the most serious child abuse/neglect, the kind that results in the death of a child, you don’t even need to ask the question about helping men. You can ask if it is more important to protect children than to protect the feelings of women. That is a closer analogy. They did say later that if you’re a parent (I played it back to ensure they didn’t say mother) whose child is being abused to call. That’s why I view that section as kneeling before the feminist PC goddess… Read more »
If you want men to stop blaming women for violence, I believe the best approach is for women to stop committing violence.
Oh yes that is the best approach. Stopping the actual violence is paramount. When I said, “If you want men to not blame women as a whole for the violence committed against them, then get women and society to stop blaming men as a whole for violence against everyone else.” I was talking about the approach of stopping the support of this double standard. Look at court cases where women are up on some sort of violent charges. There is no shortage of cases where people (not just defense attornies) will search high and low for some man to blame… Read more »
When I watch the PSA and saw the slideshow on the website , it just struck me as odd. It was like “Men are effected (not hurt, not victimized but effected) too just sounds so matter of fact, like it’s no big deal. I wonder how many times the script for that PSA and slideshow were vetted to remove any reference to women as perpertrators. While it is true that children are subject to DV at high rates, those high rates are a result of women especially bio mothers and NOT bio fathers.
While a small step in the right direction, men are once again asked to take full responsibilty in ending violence period.
You’d think with the CDC stats now showing that women can also abuse and hurt, people would get by now that there are two genders on this planet both equally culpable in violence. But no, it’s always men alone.
“men are once again asked to take full responsibilty in ending violence period.”
its to make a analogy a DV/rape help center for women, states that the women, were looking for it.
This is the vibe I get. Im dissapointed, it seems that they simply dont get it or they try to fanatically avoid the issue. So sad….
I am beginning to start developing the theory that certain parts of the NISVS 2010 Report is written in invisible ink only visible to men.
The problem is the cliffnotes/summary of the stats pretty much did a terrible job at explainign what they found about male victimization, I don’t think they even mentioned the forced to penetrate (not rape by their definition) stats in it at all, or if they did it was quite minor. The focus was largely on forcible penetration (rape by their definition) and that is what the news, many feminist (NSWATM is the only feminist site I saw that noticed it I think) n anti-rape sites picked up on and discussed. I’m of the opinion that most people didn’t give a… Read more »
Yes, writing an article based only on reading the executive summary is one reason why it’s not mentioned. However, I’ve seen countless examples where I’ve pointed out this particular statistics and the most common response is …nothing. I can be a persistent little ………. so in the few cases I’ve managed to coach out a response it has been one of the following (paraphrased) replies: 1) I don’t believe the last 12 month figure is true and I’m more inclined to believe the lifetime figures. 2) Why do you focus on that figure (obviously implying some nefarious motive on my… Read more »
Well, quite frankly that’s because a hell of a lot of anti-rape people appear to be against rape of women and men by MEN only. It sickens men but so many appear to truly believe women are the victim n men are the aggressor in most cases, that women cannot be that harmful because men are bigger, men have power, blah blah excuse excuse. The most common response I see from people about it is “men are victims too but women get it woooorrrseee” or something along the lines of “Women can’t rape men, they have to be hard for… Read more »
I had a several traumas as a young man. None of my friends, male or female, ever made any comments that could be construed as “not allowing” me to talk about them. Some were posititvely helpful in addition to listening. IMO, the frequent meme that this or that is “not allowed” is bogus. Sometimes whatever it is just isn’t all that likely, no matter the desires of those attracted to the helping professions. Sometimes it’s “allowed”, but pretending it isn’t gives you something to talk about. Like calling something the military is doing that everybody knows about “secret”. Adds to… Read more »
You’re lucky. I’ve had plenty of men n women tell me to man up, quit whinging, eat cement n harden up, etc.
Archy. For me, there were three particulars that may have helped 1. I was dealing with brothers and sisters, which is to say those in a situation which might generate the same kind of trauma. 2. While being bummed, I continued to do what was necessary. 3. After a while, I figured out that my complaining was both unproductive and boring to others. Also, in retrospect, and given my degree in psychology, I am not at all persuaded that going on about something or other endlessly is any kind of help or healing. Or, to put it another way, what… Read more »
A couple of things come to mind after watching the PSA. I thought it was fine until they reminded people that boys and men are not “real” victims. There was no need to make any comment about how women and girls have it worse. That message, which is dead center in the video, basically tells the viewer that the problem of sexual violence against men and boys is not a “real” problem. Also problematic in that same section was the not so subtle “men are abusers” reminder. Again, if the issue talking about sexual violence against men and boys, why… Read more »
“While women and children represent the majority of victims of sexual and domestic violence, we know that men are affected as well. Males are sexually and physically abused and assaulted. They are witnesses and bystanders to violence. And sometimes, they are the perpetrators.” I found the wording strange. “women and children represent the majority of victims” True, if you add them up. That seems dishonest. It also associates women with children and attempts to portray them as helpless. “men are affected as well.” They don’t use the term victimized. “Males are sexually and physically abused and assaulted.” They say men… Read more »
“While women and children represent the majority of victims of sexual and domestic violence” I find this to be almost a spit in the face. I honestly wonder what happens in the brain of the person who makes this statement? They want also to help men, but their problem are second class, because some smarty I-know-everthing kinda of person feel the biological need to take a s-h-i-t on the guys begging of help? This is the impression I get. The same old, self sacrifice for women and childre. Be quite, women are speaking, Be patient, women and children first ect?… Read more »
I over reacted, sorry 🙁
No you didn’t over react. It’s better than bottling things up and repressing yourself, I think it’s better to be honest and tell it like it is straight down the line. This dismissive attitude has been inflicted on men for a very long time and you have every right to be bloody fed up with it, we’ve been gritting our teeth and sucking it up for too long.
I understand how you feel Blurpo. Male victims have been hearing stuff like, “While women and children represent the majority of victims of sexual and domestic violence” have already been hearing stuff like this for a long time. It’s become a sore spot. And for some reason even efforts that say they want to help men still strike at it while at the same time telling male victims that they have to “take responsibility for their healing”. It’s like such people want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to help help men while still blaming them… Read more »
Yes Danny I always wondered why some people feel the urgent need to perpetuate some form of cultural violence toward male survivors? What possible good use can there never be out of ‘women suffer more’ or ‘its happens very rarely’ ????? How would a survivor feel, when he listen to that? Since it happens rarely he most be extremely abnormal (there is something very wrong with me) out of place (I dont belong in this world) and filled with shame (im not a man). It must be analogous to the feeling of a alien abductees. Getting abused by something out… Read more »
It’s funny. I got a different feeling. To me it sounds as if they wanted to help men, but were concerned with feminist criticism for helping men. I seem to remember sections in VAWA that were criticized here because it required organizations to focus their efforts on women in order to gain federal funding. Someone once told me that you can make it easy for someone to do the right thing or you can make it hard. Society and many feminists/feminist organizations that find it politically expedient to support the patriarchy when then patriarchy disadvantages men make it difficult for… Read more »
I agree. This was the vein that Hoff-Sommers wrote “who stole feminism”.
The book was largely aimed at feminists and trying to convince feminists that a lot of advocacy going on in their name is actually very destructive towards men.
Feminism is far far more entrenched than the mrm. The author probably figured that if help for men is their main goal, then that help would be expedited with a feminists stamp of approval.
…women and children represent the majority of victims of sexual and domestic violence
Men and children also represent the majority of victims of sexual and domestic violence.
Oops, posted prematurely.
The original author of this type of framing – “women and children” – should be congratulated. They have grouped two demographics in order to exclude a third. It’s one of the most brilliant acts in the history of human discrimination. It’s bold simplicity seems to always prevent the appropriate response.
Women represent the majority of perpetrators of fatal domestic violence against children.
True, but we never see it in print.
I do not know if their is a direct connection between childhood trauma, the prohibition against emotional release for males, ineffective numbing mechanisms, addictions, and violence toward others and toward oneself.
It doesn’t stop people from pulling these things out to explain why girls and women commit crimes. How many times have we read stories about a woman/girl committing a crime and someone brings up how she was abused in the past or something like that?
I cannot believe I wrote “their” instead of “there”.
I’ve found that I do things like that more often now. I think it has to do with texting where we type messages based on how words sound rather than the proper spelling. (R = are. K = Okay. UR = your)
“Can anyone really believe there’s no connection between that childhood trauma; the prohibition against emotional release for males; and the litany of ineffective, numbing mechanisms that we so often see men substitute for healing—things like addictions to work, food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, high-risk occupations and activities; things like violence toward others and toward themselves?” I think the question is whether anybody can prove the connection. Problem with ev psych, neurology, and endocrinology, for starters, is to make the case the normal men are different from normal women. Thus, different interests and reactions may be normal, not the result of some… Read more »