UK Edition
You've been answering 'how are you?' wrong - here's what you should say
‘How are you?’
Fine, thanks.’
It's a social interaction so ingrained that most of us answer automatically. Regardless of whether they’ve just had a piece of bad news, or are on top of the world, people rarely stray from a handful of acceptable responses: ‘good thanks’; ‘fine’; and ‘not bad.’
Unless, of course, they are Zoe Kravitz. The 28-year-old actress recently told Elle magazine that she's increasingly trying to answer that question truthfully.
“When I go to the deli or I'm talking to a waiter or my Uber driver and they say, 'How are you?' I've answered in an honest way for the first time. Like, 'Oof.'
"Let's let everything come to the surface, even with people we come in contact with for a moment.”
Kravitz explained that her new philosophy has been borne out of Donald Trump’s election, which has made her want to “connect with everybody.”
Hers is a philosophy more of us are adopting. I've grown so bored of small talk with acquaintances that I also try to liven up my answers to ‘how are you'.
It gets a mixed response. New friends, or workmates often don't expect brutal honesty and slightly downbeat - if truthful - statements like 'surviving' or 'average' can take a moment to sink in. But most people relate to it and join-in, with their own unvarnished truth. It can be a bonding moment - a show of vulnerability.
At worst, they laugh awkwardly and we move on to more socially acceptable ground.
“You might not want to be glib with friends,” says life coach Dr Sally Ann Law. But, she adds, “honesty can give them a chance to help you, or they might be able share things with you.” It is a way to create connections and a powerful path to form friendships - especially among women.
But what about in the workplace? Is there ever a place for a more honest answer to ‘how are you’?
“You have to be selective about when you do it,” says career coach Corinne Mills. “If you’re at a meeting and trying to establish a rapport, it’s very good to be human and bring in your personality. We’re not machines; people have ups and downs. There’s something very disarming and real about someone actually saying ‘I’m not sleeping well’ or ‘the kids are driving me mad’ when asked how they are.”
She advises, however, to keep the response light-hearted and trivial, rather than delving into tragedies. “Saying you had a terrible journey is fine - saying you’re going through a divorce, or have awful health is not.
“You don’t necessarily want to bring your emotional baggage to the workplace. If you say ‘uffff’ when someone asks you how you are, you’re transferring your negative energy to them. It can make things emotionally heavy.”
It may also not be professional. There is a difference between telling a colleague you’re still hungover from the weekend, and giving the same level of honesty to your boss who is politely asking ‘how are you’ and doesn’t really want an in-depth response.
“Unfortunately in workplaces, there are politics,” admits Dr Law. “So you have to be aware of those. But where possible, it’s best to do something towards creating a culture where you can be honest.”
How are you? What to say... and what not to
'I am fine, thank you'
Overly formal with friends and a touch insincere. Use only when your boss asks - they're probably looking for a throwaway positive answer that won't cause them any problems.
'Good, thanks'
Now you're the one being throwaway . Regardless of the questioner's intentions, this is a reply that says 'I don't want to talk about it'. A surefire way to pull up the emotional drawbridge and cut the conversation short.
Very well, how are you?
Non-committal, but polite and positive.
'Coping'
This could seem glib to those who don' t know you well; acquaintances or colleagues. Use only with true pals.
'Hanging in there'
A downbeat response that invites further inquiry - why, what's wrong? Don't use if you're not interested in elaborating.
'Oof'
Seemingly one of Zoe Kravitz's choice answers. The asker may think you have indigestion. '