Nadira Hira’s manifesto on marriage.
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I won’t change my name. I’ve spent the last three decades making the one I have mean something. And I’d like to keep it up, thanks. Which is, I hope, a major part of why he’ll love me always.
I won’t accept a ring. I will gush over my friends’ rings, of course. I will keep my views on the fraught history and general scourginess of diamonds and engagement rings to myself, mostly. But till he too is sporting a symbol of ownership on his strong and manly hand, I won’t be wearing a bloody thing on my finger.
I won’t stop celebrating men—him, and all the others. This will be a service to our children, and given my taste—Brad, Idris, Sandman—a testament to his quality.
I won’t try to style him. (Unless he asks.) Because he’ll dig me any time, even when I’m rocking Vibram Five Fingers at brunch.
I won’t make asinine jokes about being useless in the kitchen. There is nothing funny about not being able to boil a pot of rice. It is a basic survival skill, one I fully expect him to possess as well.
I won’t look at him sideways when his friends behave like idiots. Because my friends and I can be pretty idiotic, too—we just do better PR.
I won’t stop smiling at strangers. Or chatting with old folks. Or helping that random person who I can just feel needs it. This can be annoying, I know, and sometimes it’ll make us late—or tired, or vaguely unsafe—but humanity is compassion. And he’d like me a lot less if I were a heartless ogre.
I won’t take for granted what he does unbidden—the trash, the driving, the grinding, the hearing, the hyping, the loving.
I won’t be angry at him for thinking less about our kids than I do. I worry and plan and obsess and overanalyze as a matter of course. He and his kind do or do not, Yoda-style. This is all right.
I won’t get out of bed without kissing his face. As my mother used to sing to us, this is the way to start a new day. Which still holds up under scrutiny.
I won’t tell him the truth, even if he asks, when what he needs is inspiration.
I won’t let him suffer from a poverty of expectation. Ever.
I won’t doubt, especially when he does.
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photo by wilson hui / flickr
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This was beautiful. This was feminine power with out war. Feminine power without eviscerating the many beautiful men that really do exist in this world. I have a son, and it breaks my heart to see the negativity in the world against all men as if they were one. As a strong woman I also know the heartache and pain from truly awful men in my past. This to me exemplified loving your partner in clarity and grace. Being their strength when they need it, their vision when it’s cloudy. Expecting nothing less than the best while you are offering… Read more »
Thank you for this — really. Hoping you (and your son!) find your equals, too. Much love.
Kimmie, that’s such a good question. Didn’t mean expectations of the relationship at all, but rather expectations of the individual. Just seems to me that, sometimes, all the expectations become about “us” rather than about what you or I could and should be at our personal best. And the way we talk about our male partners in particular becomes very dismissive, if not actively negative — e.g., he can’t be trusted with the kids; he wouldn’t know where to start cleaning the house; he’s inept/absent-minded/at a loss without me. So the promise I think I was making in that line… Read more »
Nadira, Can you please expand on tis sentence: “I won’t let him suffer from a poverty of expectation. Ever.” Expectations can be such a killer in relationships… I would like to hear what you mean by “poverty of expectations.” Thank you.
I like this, not because I do all the things she does… I have rings, I changed my last name to his. But I like it because she is sticking to her beliefs, but at the same time you can see she still has respect for her husband and lets him be who he is as well. Seems like a healthy marriage to me. I think that no matter what ‘traditions’ you hold on to and what ‘traditions’ you let go of, it really doesn’t matter as long as there is respect for each other. There is no need for… Read more »
Great sentiment. Like me, your husband’s a lucky man.
I love this not because I agree or disagree with any of it but because it was written with an attempt (at the very least) of how she can honour the relationship. Its ownership of self and self beliefs and I love that!
During the plans for our wedding 8 years ago, I offered to change my name and even proffered the idea of hyphenating both our names. But my then fiance hated her name and was more than happy to change hers. I don’t own her and she doesn’t own me. We both do housework and cooking and caring for our one girl left at home. we’re equals. She can do stuff that I can’t, I can do stuff that she can’t.
Very nicely written so nice to read something about making better relationship from a woman that isn’t criticizing men.
The name change business is lose-lose for women and there’s no perfect answer, only one that works for her. The irony of a woman keeping her maiden name is that she’s still taking a man’s last name – her father’s. It doesn’t matter how far back you go. I know couples who’ve created a hyphenated version or unique amalgam to solve that issue. That always seemed like trying way too hard to me. This article demonstrates the worst kind of fake progress, though. In a nutshell, “I have all the cliche preconceptions and sexism most women have about men, but… Read more »
This is miserable. Men are expected to do anything for their wives. Men often even take blame for their wives in legal matters. Men will risk their lives so save their wives from an oncoming train. All that and this miserable excuse for a woman won’t even change her name so she and her children can all easily identify themselves as a family. Pathetic.
Why can’t the man change his name to hers if being identified as a family in public is so important? I think having concerns regarding your profession and career is a valid reason to not want to alter your name regardless of your gender. I don’t think a woman caring about this makes her “pathetic” and “miserable”. Men and women both should be concerned about nurturing and protecting their spouse who they presumably love and treasure enough to spend the rest of their lives with. If that love and devotion is lacking that is the real issue, not what your… Read more »
You’re pathetic, Mitch. Not the other way around.
Sean, I think her following sentence: “He and his kind do or do not, Yoda-style.” sums up what you just said. I think that’s her way of recognizing that just because she outwardly overanalyzes/obsesses etc, doesn’t mean that her husband doesn’t have the same concerns. Just that they are expressed in a different way. The sentence that precedes it is misleading but I feel like the gist of what she is saying is that men and women do it differently when it comes to being a parent and that is what is all right.
“I won’t be angry at him for thinking less about our kids than I do. I worry and plan and obsess and overanalyze as a matter of course. He and his kind do or do not, Yoda-style. This is all right.” As a man and a father, I do find the above statement offensive. Obviously there are many gray areas in-between, but this seems like it’s just another case of a woman not understanding men… just as many men don’t understand women. The way it is worded makes it sound as if you are the sole parent that worries, plans,… Read more »
That’s not how I read that. My wife (not a statement of ownership but a recognition of what we have chosen to be to each other. I am equally ‘her’ husband) spends lots more time worrying about, reading about, thinking about and doing about the welfare of our son. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my son, it means that my role in the welfare of this family is different to hers, and that we both experience a biological drive int his regard that is patently different. Traditionally men have been guardians of the outer world, provide and protect, while… Read more »
Nice article, I had to read it a couple of times as the first time I was heavily distracted haha! Being a man I am actually somewhat in agreement with you on the naming principle. The naming does serve some purpose, especially from a genealogical standpoint, but it is heavily slanted towards the male side. I am due to marry next year and I have told my fiance she doesn’t need to change her name and can keep hers if she likes. However she is also excited about the prospect of change, defining a new era, not one in which… Read more »
I got an ad for Vibram Five Fingers on this page.
Haha, awesome. I throughly approve of you keeping a name you like. I’ll be honest–I only took the hubby’s because I got sick and tired of people somehow interpreting my Latino last name as “Travis.” (Protip: There were no Ts, R’s, or S’s in the name, and it didn’t sound remotely like Travis.) And I kept my maiden name as a brand new middle name so it’d still be part of me. (After all, a dashed name would defeat the purpose of making people stop saying Ms. Travis. :P) I understand the issue with diamonds, for sure. Though I wanted… Read more »
I bought my girlfriend an inexpensive ring with a clear stone and when we got engaged she said that she wanted to use that ring. Her wedding ring was my grandmothers and we bought mine together. For our 25th wedding we renewed our vows and exchanged platinum rings that we had bought together.
Talk to a geologist, Diamonds are quite often not their favorite stone.
I’m the bread winner of my house hold, my husband sets the schedule and will probably think more about the kids than me (I will love them and give them loads of attention, but I’ve got severe ADD) I’ve got an engagement ring, and a wedding ring, the only reason my husband doesn’t have an engagement ring is he doesn’t like rings with stones (I’ve a beautiful lab created ruby engagement ring that I bought for myself) I’ve chosen to hyphenate my last name because I want the same last name as my children and because I like my last… Read more »
Awww… that was SOOO sweet!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
(your husband is a lucky guy)
Goodness, yes, D&D! Hehe, we don’t get that fancy about shared grooming, but the hubby IS my partner in Personal Care Product Purchase, especially shampoos and lotions.
I’m the bread winner of my house hold, my husband sets the schedule and will probably think more about the kids than me (I will love them and give them loads of attention, but I’ve got severe ADD) I’ve got an engagement ring, and a wedding ring, the only reason my husband doesn’t have an engagement ring is he doesn’t like rings with stones (I’ve a beautiful lab created ruby engagement ring that I bought for myself) I’ve chosen to hyphenate my last name because I want the same last name as my children and because I like my last… Read more »
Interesting. My parents got married in 1980. My mother kept her original name. She studied for years and worked very hard to create a professional reputation and name for herself. Then to just wipe it out? That and the inconvenience factor (changing license and credentials, soc. security number, credit cards, drivers license, etc). My brother and I have my father’s last name, and it was only after a heated debate between my parents and the nurses. I find it odd that people would assume we’re less than a family, there is less commitment on my mother’s part, or that I… Read more »
I was with you until this one: “I won’t tell him the truth, even if he asks, when what he needs is inspiration.” That to me comes across as a little patronizing, just telling him what you think he needs to hear. Even when he asks for the truth you won’t tell him? That’s a recipe for disaster. I hope you’re not expecting him to avoid the truth even when you ask him for it. I can see a husband thinking, “she doesn’t need to hear about what I did with this other woman. I prefer to tell her something… Read more »
Wellokaythen, Excellent message to women, thank you!
You nailed it right on the head WOKT! I’ve seen in too many (but not all) relationships that the womens idea of ‘honesty’ is ‘You tell me EVERYTHING, and I’ll tell you what I think you need to know’. Needless to say, in everyone of these relationships that I know of , sooner or later this way leads to problems.
My friend is Indonesian ( Javanese ), they dont have family name there. Sometimes sons use their fathers name, but never daughters. Most of the time they use entirely new name. Wives never change their name either. It makes me curious but when I ask him its normal there, no father seems offended if his wife or sons don’t use his name.
“I won’t get out of bed without kissing his face.”
I like this one immensely…simple and tender. 🙂
I think we all have intentions of honoring the person we meet. That is until you find out your partner spends every dime, plus yours, that’s earned or there is infidelity or the general wear of constantly having to rescue the other individual can make the reality a bit different. Not all marriages are like what I’ve described. I’ve seen some really good partnerships, but I’ve seen some bad ones too. We all start out with good intentions, otherwise we wouldn’t get married. I didn’t changed name for him, but for my children. I wanted them to feel evening connected… Read more »
I found your list of “won’t do’s” very GIVING, loving, and firmly planted in personal values you don’t wish to compromise.
Now THAT’s sexy! It’s a standard us men should aspire to!
“I won’t accept a ring. … But till he too is sporting a symbol of ownership on his strong and manly hand, I won’t be wearing a bloody thing on my finger.”
Does that mean you wear a wedding ring after the nuptials, and you just won’t accept an engagement ring?
Exactly. Guess “The Ring” has such a life of its own in girltalk circles that it didn’t even occur to me to specify! But I think the idea of a simple, mutual display of commitment is lovely and important.
Nadira, as we challenge wedding rings, think about silly hats. Silly hats are funny marital traditions. Let me share. My dear Jewish friends make me giggle with their silly marital hats. The Conservative Jewish men wear these large, furry hats…I’m not sure if you’ve seen them. They’re ridiculously huge hats and their wedding photos make me giggle..at times. My friend Ari shared his tradition and customs which gave me a deeper understanding the hat is steeped in Jewish tradition. It just gave me greater respect for him, his family, and his religion. He and I still know that they’re HUGE… Read more »
What a sweet tradition, Joan—thank you for sharing! And really, there are so many traditions around marriage across cultures that are just beautiful, whether or not I’d practice them myself. But I’m not always sure that the choice *not* to observe a particular custom—the engagement ring and name change being prime examples—gets the same respect. Think (hope!) it may just be a matter of time, though…
Around here, the tradition is that both get a ring each at the engagement, usually looking the same and a bit discrete, like just plain gold ring. And then the woman get a second one, usually a bit more flashy, at the wedding.
That makes so much more sense to me, FlyingKal. I’m making a note!