Why can't women stop saying sorry?

Over-apologising among women is so prevalent that there is even a drama group dedicated to helping women become more assertive and stop saying sorry. Radhika Sanghani signs up.

Over-apologising among women is prevalent Credit: Photo: JEZEBEL

"Oh sorry," I apologise to the man taking advantage of rush hour to push his body against mine on the Tube. I am uncomfortable - but instead of asking him to get out of my personal space and off my body, I edge away and say sorry. I don't know why I do this but it has become second nature to me.

A conversation with a group of male and female friends makes me realise I am not alone - but only among the women. Apologising, or over-apologising, seems to be primarily a female trait.

Twenty-six-year-old Chris sums it up by saying: "I don't apologise because it doesn't come across as very manly. I try to be manly."

He isn't joking, and he isn't apologetic for his view either.

Rory, 29, adds: "I won't apologise to my friends because they don't need to know I'm sorry. If I say I won't be coming to dinner tonight because I'm doing this, I don't need to say sorry. I'll only do that if I've done something bad - or at work so I don't get fired."

I get a very different response from the girls. "I'm always apologising," says Sarah, 23. "I'm always really aware of other people and how they feel. When I'm in a social situation, I'm always worried if everyone else is having fun." The examples we discuss range from being sorry for inviting someone to a bad party, apologising for rowdy male friends, and being too tired for sex. None of the boys present had ever said sorry for any of these things.

Over-apologising among women is so prevalent that there is even a drama group dedicated to helping women become more assertive and stop saying sorry. At a Feminism in London 2013 conference at the weekend, the group led a workshop called: Taking Space Talking Loud. It aimed to "explore how we women can find ourselves and our voices to enjoy a place in the world, rather than play under it".

It was so popular that more than 60 people turned up. Organiser Naomi Paxton had only expected 15.

She began the session by asking us to walk around the studio, looking into each others eyes. Most people smiled uncertainly and nodded uncomfortably.

As she asked us to touch elbows, then knees and then introduce ourselves, the smiles became even more nervous and apologetic. We all realised we didn't want to take up anyone's space.

Even with this realisation and awareness, the next exercise was even harder. "When I say stop, tell the person nearest you: 'No, I'm not going to do that'," says Naomi. "But make sure you don't smile apologetically, or say it angrily, just... say it calmly." It sounds easy enough, but as I stop and say 'No', all I want to do is add 'sorry' as a suffix. I don't even know what it is I'm apologising for.

The other women are just as bad, either smiling uncertainly or apologising with their nervous body language. Hardly anyone can say 'No, I won't do that,' without trying to justify or explain themselves - even when they are not apologising for anything concrete. After several attempts, we gradually improve, but most of us leave the workshop fully aware of our general inability to stand up and say 'no'.

"It's the hardest line a woman can tread," says a participating mum-of-two. "The line between looking assertive and going too far the other way. For example, my husband isn't an insensitive man, but after he's said no to someone, he doesn't go away thinking about it and analysing it like I would."

Everyone agrees. It may not be exclusively a gender issue but all the evidence suggests women do over-apologise more than men.

Naomi, of the Scary Little Girls theatre company, says: "We need to look at strategies we use or patterns we have got into about our body language and how we use words. It’s looking at whether that's useful for you, or whether you need to re-examine them.

"This workshop is about being a woman in public and private space, about how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves. It is about speaking and acting with confidence."

Saying 'no' without a 'sorry' stuck onto it sounds simple enough but every over-apologiser will know how hard it is to do it without a nervous smile, helpless arms or defensive tones. It is difficult to undo a lifetime's worth of habits and I cannot guarantee I will ever stop over-apologising. But, I do know that the next time someone pushes themselves again me on the tube, the one thing I won't be saying is sorry.